Recriminations Posted By : Sheldon Kardener

To benefit from reflecting on past behaviors, we must avoid the trap of self-recrimination— I was so dumb to have done that. Recriminations serve only to perpetuate problems, locking us in a self-negating loop. Establishing an environment of self-acceptance, self-reflection, and understanding enables us to grow. I am, after all, human, and humans do make mistakes. Acceptance of the self while examining adverse behaviors is one of the keystone benefits in therapeutic relationships.



Fortunate is the child whose parents are able to clearly distinguish between his person and his behaviors, especially when those behaviors are undesirable. I love you, but we must discuss your unacceptable behavior. We often hear the canard unconditional love. There is no such thing. You either love, or you do not love, the person. This is separate from accepting or rejecting that persons behavior. A therapeutic ambience helps to foster this distinction, in contrast to a punitive or judgmental setting. For example, I sometimes say to patients regarding their conflicts, If you want judgments, see an attorney. If you are looking for absolution, see a priest. If you are interested in understanding, then a therapist is the right person for you.



Los Angeles newspaper columnist Jack Smith began an article by writing, My life is paved with the cobblestones of regrets. All of us have those cobblestones. We ignore or refuse to acknowledge flashing red lights in life precisely because doing so means allowing feedback and having to question why we thought our original action or decision was best at the time. When we do allow ourselves that feedback, we can make different choices and gain from the benefit of our experiences. Cobblestones can serve as paving stones to a better future. But if change threatens our perception of stability or safety the Child, we block feedback. A humorous story comes to mind of a therapist who makes a clear, definitive statement about what the patients struggles represent. The patient responds with an enthusiastic, Aha, that is it! Why did you not tell me this before? The therapist sighs and replies, I have been telling you this for the past five years." There is a crucial time when we are willing to recognize and be open to feedback from others or from ourselves. I coined a mantra to help me keep this in perspective: There are none so deaf as those who will not yet hear, or so blind as those who will not yet see.



Going forward with a sense of self-acceptance in an experientially informed and aware fashion is fundamental for emotional growth.





Copyright (c) 2010 Sheldon Kardener

Sheldon H. Kardener, MD, has written, lectured and taught extensively while practicing psychodynamic psychotherapy for over 40 years. Always on the cutting-edge, he is often called father of Focused Dynamic Therapy. His book, Breaking Free: How Chains From Childhood Keep Us From What

We Want, is a breakthrough book, the biggest breakthrough in psychotherapy since the 60s. Learn more at http://www.shkardenermd.com

or call 310.399.8727